Being social in the witness protection program

It’s a good thing this is the internet, or I don’t think my ‘handler‘ would approve of me telling this story. However, reflecting on everything I’ve left behind, it’s worth sharing. Plus, I’m invisible anyway, right?

It was like any other day

There was nothing remarkable about the day, it started like so many others. The weather was relatively mild with low humidity and a slight breeze in the air. The air was fresh and seemed to have all the earmarks of a day filled with tremendous opportunities. It was a really good hair day.

As I pulled into the office a man drops from the sky with a parachute on. He has a large ruck sack strapped to his back and this wild eyed look.

He runs to my car and I exclaim, “wow, that was pretty cool; where in the heck did you come from”? He mumbled something about not wanting to fly all the way to Tampa International Airport and decided to leave the plane early. I didn’t know exiting early was an option but with all the extreme sports that seem to be in vogue now, I assumed they will let you do just about anything except carry a large bottle of shampoo on the plane.

He said, “I really need a ride….quick”. He asked if I could take him to the Green Swamp. Being the nice guy that I am, I told him I would be glad to get him out there.

“By the way, my name is Bill and I’m a pretty big deal in social, what is your name”. “Dan, Dan Cooper“, he said “and I should be a pretty big deal soon too”.

‘They say’ the rest is history

It ends up his ruck sack was filled with money, and I mean lots of money. I challenged him to see if we could spend it all in one day. Because I am still such a ‘nice guy’, he said “what the heck, easy come easy go, right”?

What ‘they‘ didn’t know is, we decided to go to the beach first. We lounged on the beach under the cabana, being served by gorgeous nubile bikini clad lovelies until we had our fill.

We then made our way to the country club and outfitted ourselves with a complete set of TaylorMade golf clubs, attire and accessories. We played a round of golf with our own personal cart girl, and we were just getting started.

We got a chauffeur, had dinner at Bern’s Steakhouse and ate and drank more than the law should allow. We also made our presence known at a few of the nicer ‘gentleman‘ establishments, but since this is a family site we won’t go into too much detail.

It truly was one of those days you just didn’t want to end. It put Ferris Bueller’s Day Off to shame and hope to parlay it into at least a book deal; pseudonym of course, right JM Bell?

What happened next?

Well, after we blew through all of the money I finally took him out to the green swamp as he requested and he was never to be seen or heard from again. The paper picked up on the ‘alleged‘ hijacking and started calling him DB Cooper for some reason; but he will always be my friend Dan.

Me? It was much easier for me to enter the witness protection program than go back home. Yes, that might seem pretty harsh, but trust me it was easiest way out.

The moral of the story?

When opportunity knocks, you better be ready to answer the door; live life with no regrets.

If you hear of any ‘Dorman‘ sightings, now you know ‘the rest of the story’.

That.is.all.

44 thoughts on “Being social in the witness protection program

  1. Bill, I believe the invisible blogger has just found his calling – humour! “I assumed they will let you do just about anything except carry a large bottle of shampoo on the plane.” I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! :-)
    Lori
    P.S. I do believe if I click “Post Comment” fast enough, I will have secured the opening salvo!!!

  2. Nice title Bill, that should get you some good new traffic.

    Knowing you, I was cracking up all the way through… I wonder what the response will be from people who aren’t familiar with you?

    That’s a crack up!

    Peace : )

    • I always accuse @TheJackB of being in the witness protection program so I thought I’d run with it on a whim; just something different, huh?

      Glad you enjoyed; hope you have been well.

      Peace, out.

    • Of course it had to be something fun for me to not hesitate to jump on the opportunity, right? It was a fabulous day indeed……..:).

      I was going to say I faked my death and then have a whole follow up story, but that might have been a little much.

      Good to see you.

  3. Am I the only one who’s going to ask if this is a true story??? I’m sure it isn’t ’cause you can’t parachute out of planes. Right? THIS is how people mess with my head!

    • Well, the DB Cooper is real and he did parachute out of a jet liner only to never be found. I thought I would embellish it and bring from Oregon to Florida……

      It’s only real in my mind………:)

    • Moi? You know what they say about people with too much time on their hands….they write bad fiction………:). It was a spur of the moment thing. Most of the stuff that I think about writing about never make it to paper because when I finally have time to write, it’s gone.

      Thanks for stopping by.

  4. There was once a man named Bill,
    Whose stories were as big as his shoes were to fill,
    Until the day he proclaimed himself a writer,
    At which time his prose became tighter,
    And left us with an unsatiable need to fill.

  5. Now at least we know what happened with old DB, at least in Wild Bill’s imagination.

    “It was a really good hair day.” –Wouldn’t know the feeling, but loved the “opportunity knocks” message.

    ‘Mons ‘Venus, huh? ;) I loved reading that sign … in its entirety ;)

    • I’m philosophical like that in an unsophisticated way……..:).

      The Mons is legendary……………..allegedly, I wouldn’t know………doh…

      Nah, DB is still in your backyard; that’s what I’d be doing, looking for his landing zone.

    • I felt like I could have done so much more with this story, but since Bill Dorman is so closely tied to Lanier Upshaw I don’t feel comfortable going The Bloggess here. Maybe I’ll start a ‘sister’ site with a pen name like Mr JM Bell.

      So good to see you; hope you are well. Thanks for your kind words.

  6. Hysterical! Really!. And, you know what? Of all of my social media friends, YOU are the one who I could easily see this happening to AND that you would respond exactly as you did in your story. This adventure has Bill Dorman written all over it! Thanks for the laugh and the clever (if not believable) story!
    Claudia

    • And you might be right. I have this one group of friends and we usually go to sporting events together. We all revert back to college age on most of these events. Without a doubt it seems like every event turns out to be an adventure with a ‘few’ stories to tell. If the parachute from the sky happened to us, we wouldn’t be surprised at all………:).

      I’m glad I haven’t grown up yet; I don’t want to miss out on any of the fun………

    • I do my best.

      My wife had an even better ending. I faked my death and she is living it up at the beach with the cabana boy with the insurance money while I’m underground in the woods; my penance for one wild day……..:)

  7. Now that was cool Bill! Opportunity always shows its face, but most times some people don’t always notice it unless it’s too obvious. But this story was ingenius and I wish I could have filmed the entire trip. You should thrown in a story about a quick plane ride to Las Vegas and having a run in with the mob. Oh man I go give you some ideas!

    • Vegas would have been cool AND to win enough money to turn it into a month long affair while on the lam…………

      If you look above in my response to Claudia, my wife had a pretty funny scenario for an ending too.

      It was a fun post; there might be more in the bag.

      Good to see you Sonia.

  8. OK, Bill, the links are hilarious.

    Re: pseudonyms, you can either pick something that sounds real (George Sands, who was a French lady), something halfway between real & made up (my own pen name, John Magnet Bell — and I promise you there’s a reason for the ‘Magnet’), or, something clearly pseudonymous if you want to amp up the raunch factor. Best example I can come up with right now, The Philadelphia Lawyer.

    Re: opportunities, I couldn’t agree with you more. When opportunity comes knocking, seize it with both paws or shut up and go home. Half-in, half-out is no way to do anything.

  9. Because my ‘personal’ blog is me and I’m so tied to Lanier Upshaw, Inc it behooves me to remain somewhat neutral in my writing. I have toyed with the idea of a separate site and ‘name’ and let some of the ‘weirdness’ come out. The more I get into the writing, the more I’m enjoying it.

    You are right, sometimes opportunity might only knock once; be ready.

    Good to see you sir, thanks for dropping by.

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